"They're just the damnedest bunch of guys. What a bunch of unstoppable, Belichick-zombie *weirdos*. They're all, hey sup, not today, domination of Pittsburgh & Indy, the #2 or 3 and the #4 or 5 best teams in the league. And Pittsburgh whomped Philadelphia -- I know it was Pre-Trotter and all that, but I don't think it matters. I thought PIT matched up really well and we got a str8 up Patdown for our troubles. Granted, McNabb is less likely to turn into a pumpkin than young master Roethlisberger was, but god. I just say good luck."--Steelers fan Justin Shapiro after returning from the AFC Championship game.

'Nuff said.

Well, here we are, Conference Championship Sunday. I'd usually be watching the game at my folks place, but we had two feet of snow dumped on us over the past 24 hours, so I'm flying solo today.

I feel good about today's game. Usually my gut is twisted into a hundred knots during the playoffs, but I'm feeling pretty ok. Maybe it was because of the Patriots' stellar performance last week. Maybe it's because I've seen two Super Bowls, so this isn't a "now or never" type of deal. But I feel good.

My predicted score: Pats 28, Steelers 24. I think Corey Dillon runs well enough, and the Pats make one or two big plays and manage to hold off Pittsburgh. I could be wrong.

But here's a good sign: do you know what the title was of Bill Simmons latest cartoon?

A: "The Shoe"

You can't make this stuff up, folks.

Wow.

I, unlike most of the free world, predicted a Patriots win against the Colts last Saturday, but I thought the game would end up being a shootout. I mean, these are the Colts, the offensive juggernaut, helmed by Peyton Manning, fresh off the greatest season a quartback ever had. Plus the Patriots were missing Ty Law, Tyrone Poole, and Richard Seymour. The Ponies have got to be good for four touchdowns, right?

Final score: 20-3. Three points? Three? Are you kidding me?

You almost have to feel bad for Peyton. The sports world went from worshipping at his feet to ripping him to shreds in a matter of hours. And to be fair, he did not play a terrible game. He only had one pick, which was thrown after the game was already wrapped up. And he was not helped by his receivers treating the ball like it was a porcupine. But ultimately, he could not get the job done. The only way Mr. Manning is going to win a ring anytime soon is if Bill Belicheck decides to drop out of the NFL and smoke pot with Ricky Williams.

Now we have Pittsburgh. Do I think we can win? Hell, after this game I would not be surprised if Teddy Bruschi and Rodney Harrison chartered a Mideast Peace agreement.

Much more later on.

My Right Foot

With the NFL playoffs in full swing, I think it’s finally time to tell the tale of The Shoe. Honestly, I cannot believe I have had this blog for the better part of a year and never mentioned this.

Last year I was talking with My Work Buddy Johnny about the upcoming Sunday night NFL game between the Patriots and Dallas. Johnny was positive the Cowboys would win, while I was so confident the Patriots would win, I put my foot on his desk and said “The Pats will win. It’s a shoe-in!” (A takeoff of a gag from the classic “Lisa the Greek” episode of the Simpsons) The Patriots went on to win 12-0.

I said that next week’s game against the Texans was a shoe-in as well. The result: another Patriots win (although it went down to the wire). Soon I was saying “My Shoe guarantees a Pats win” and “The Shoe knows the Pats are going to cruise to victory.” To make a long story short, the Patriots did not lose the rest of the year and won the Super Bowl.

Coincidence? Possibly. After all, the Patriots were an excellent team that had won the Super Bowl just two seasons ago. But since the creation of the Shoe, the next season the Red Sox went on to win their first World Series in 86 years. There are clearly greater powers at work. A power I call…The Shoe.

Why am I telling you this? A lot of people (like Mike Vanderjagt) think the time is right for Peyton Manning and the Colts to finally beat the Patriots after five straight losses. After all, Peyton is on fire, and the Pats secondary has been riddled with injuries. Sure, he’s lost five straight to the Pat, but that can’t last forever, right? This has to be the time, doesn’t it?

The Shoe disagrees. The Shoe knows it will not be easy, but he has confidence in the Patriots offense (no slackers in their own right), as well as Bill Belicick’s ability to cook something up on defense and get into Mr. Manning’s head.

Final score: Patriots 35, Colts 31

And if the Shoe’s wrong, he’ll feel like a heel

(Couldn’t resist)

OK, the legend of The Shoe has to wait a day. I have to talk about last night's Law & Order.

For those not in the know, last night's show was the much disliked Elizabeth Rohm's final show as Serena Sutherland (I knew she was leaving, I did not know this was in fact her last episode). It was a pretty good ep, based around the murder of Jam Master Jay of Run DMC fame, as an old school rapper named RC was gunned down, with all signs pointing to his protege 4-Strike. I won't get into the whole rigamarole, but throughout the episode Serena protested that she felt 4-Strike was innocent and merely covering up forhis friend Psycho (gotta love the subtlety).

Anyway, the show ends with Serena in Arthur Branch's office. He goes through a whole spiel about how she's a superb attourney, but gets too passionate about her cases to work as a prosecutor (similiar to a speech Christine Sullivan once made on Night Court, which is probably not a comparison they were shooting for). I'll paraphrase the last few lines:

Serena: Does Jack feel as strongly about this as you do?
Branch: No, but this is my office and he respects my decision.
Serena: Decision?
Branch: Yes Serena. You're fired.

So far so good. Then we get this whammy...

Serena: Is this because I'm a lesbian?

When I heard that, I started literally laughing out loud. Excuse me? It was like someone wrote a computer program to spit out a random line of dialogue. That's how bizarre this was.

Now, I'm sorry, but I cannot see the point of this. As long as Serena has been on the show, they've never dropped any hints or alluded to it in any way. Yeah, wenever saw her dating guys, but we never saw any female ADA dating anyone (unless you count Jamie and her ex-husband).

In fact, the whole point of Law & Order is that it's about the cases, not the people. Sure, we get little tidbits now and then about the characters lives (McCoy has a daughter, Lennie had a drinking problem), but it's never the crux of the show. It really came across as a way to get some attention for the show, like at the last minute someone said "Hey, let's make Serena a lesbian! That'll draw some buzz."

If so, it certainly worked. People around the office are talking about it, getting that vaunted "water cooler" talk. Sure they're all talkingabout how goofy if was, but points for effort, I guess.

And man, if I ever get fired, I know just what to say now...

Geez, I'm lazy.

Thoughts of the day:

*There's nothing sillier looking than women in business suits who wear sneakers on the way to the office.
*Are female monkeys still monkeys, or are they called something else?
*I was in a store the other day and saw One Day At A Time: Season 1 on DVD. Is there anyone in the world who was pining for this? Anyone?
*I upgraded to a digital package and got a slew of music channels, some of which actually (gasp) play music videos. My big one is VH1 Classic (worth it alone for the Ratt video where they're in the saloon). Watching MTV Hits made me wonder: has mainstream rock ever been this shitty? I see these toothless, cookie cutter bands like Crossfade and Switchfoot and I thjnk "Geez, no wonder kids don't like rock anymore. It blows."
*By the way, you've probably seen commericials or heard about the Kidz Bop line of albums, where popular songs are covered with kids singing the choruses (and all the potential "naughty" parts are edited out or changed, so it's "safe" for kids). Well, they just came out with number seven in the series, and along with the usual suspects (Usher, Avril Lavinge, etc.) they include a cover of "Float On" by Modest Mouse. Now, that's actually not a bad choice for a song, since it's a pretty upbeat tune and has a big chorus. But geez, Modest Mouse? Why couldn't they cover "Teeth Like God's Shoeshine?" Or "Tiny Cities Made of Ashes?"

Back tomorrow with more on the Patriots.

I (heart) Eli Manning

Remember my inspirational story about winning the football pool for the first time a few months back? Well, I haven’t won since. But, through some odd chance, I found myself in the running for the big year end pot (around $350), which goes to the person with the most total wins after 17 weeks (with the worst week being dropped).

I was two games behind the leader with one week to go, and I honestly did not like my chances. The person in the lead had more total wins than I did, so if we ended up tied he still would have won the grand prize. So I needed to finish three games better than him in a week to win it all. Not likely, right? But, as Chris Berman says, “that’s why they play the game.”

I’m watching the games on Sunday, and things were not going well for me, with Cleveland, Buffalo, St. Louis, Minnesota, Kansas City, and Carolina all losing. That’s six losses by 7 PM and I figure I’m dead meat, and probably would not finish in the top three at that rate. Then I start looking over everyone’s results during NFL Primetime and discover that everyone is having a bad week, especially the guy in the lead. In fact, heading into the final game, we’re tied. And wouldn’t you know it, we both picked different teams for the Sunday night game. I went with NY, he choose Dallas. Whoever won that game would win the whole magilla.

New York was a pretty obvious choice—both teams are pretty middling, but the Giants were at home and I had a feeling this would be a breakthrough game for Eli Manning. I remember a huge, Larry Bird-esque performance from Drew Bledsoe against the Dolphins in the final game of his rookie season, and I thought we would see the same thing.

Final score: Giants 28, Cowboys 24, and a winner is me. Oh hell yeah. I’m dirt poor so an extra couple hundred dollars isn’t something to sneeze at. Maybe I’ll buy an Eli Manning jersey.